The History of Orgasms

July 31st is National Orgasm Day. Finally, a holiday everyone can get behind! Or under, or on top of. . . it’s whatever you’re into. 

Whether you’ve got a partner or all about that single life, you’ve got endless resources to ensure that you can climax whenever you want (within reason). But what did people do before they had vibrators or Tinder?

Both a lot, and not that much. 

Human understanding of sex and sexuality is constantly changing and involving. Our current sexual climate is the culmination of years spent pioneering pleasure. Keep reading to learn a short history about orgasms through the ages. 

Medieval Times:

People of the Middle ages had some unique beliefs surrounding sex. During this era, sex was understood primarily to be a procreative act. As such, much importance was placed on the male orgasm in order to create a baby. The female orgasm was also a key piece of the sexual experience, but for all the wrong reasons.

At that time, it was believed that both partners must have an orgasm in order for a woman to become pregnant. Lelo’s blog on the topic writes that nudity, foreplay, and even kissing were nonstarters among pious couples. 

Virginity in the bride was a high priority among the aristocracy, but peasants enjoyed much more sexual freedom. Peasant men and women were free to discreetly get to know each other in a deeply intimate way. Aristocratic men, and likely at least some women, engaged in premarital sex but it was more taboo. This was one of the rare cases in which people of a lower class arguably had it better than the folks at the top of the social ladder. 

The Victorian Era

The Victorian era was full of contradictions: ornately carved furniture that had to be covered by a tablecloth to conceal the table’s salacious design, equal importance being placed on modest clothing and sumptuous fashion, and repressive sexual morals during a thriving pornography industry. 

Whores of Yore discusses the decadence of Victorian pronography and the importance it placed not just on pleasure, but on the female experience. In sharp contrast to the era’s overall attitudes, pornography often featured women in power positions taking charge in their own pleasure. LGBT+ experiences were also captured and circulated in the modern phenomenon of printed erotica. 

Science in the 1800s had a differing view on female sexuality. American physician Theophilus Parvin is quoted saying, "I do not believe one bride in a hundred, of delicate, educated, sensitive women, accepts matrimony from any desire for sexual gratification; when she thinks of this at all, it is with shrinking, or even with horror, rather than with desire."

Many aspects of the human body were still a mystery at this time, including mental illness. Hysteria became a catch-all diagnosis for anything perceived to be “wrong” with a woman (which could mean anything from chronic depression to being outspoken). It was believed that unresolved sexual tension was the cause of hysteria, which led to the invention of the vibator. 

Rachel P. Maines’ book The Technology of Orgasm discusses the development of the vibrator as a device used to treat hysteria. At the time, best medical practices included massaging female genitalia in order to treat mental and physical illness. The mechanical vibrator was developed by a British physician in the 1880s to treat female patients, and the invention would become both a medical and commercial success. 

In the years that followed, vibrators became available to the public for at-home treatments. 

Editor's Note: Was this the beginning of sexual wellness used for health care? We now know that regular attention to sexual wellness contributes to decreased blood pressure, pain symtoms and depression, while improving your immune system, sleep and mental stamina.

Sexual Liberation 

Along with the vibrator, a landmark invention in the history of orgasms was the advent of birth control. People had been relying on luck and the pull-out method for centuries, but the invention of the diaphragm in 1842 was the first real headway humanity had in reducing the risk of pregnancy. 

The Guttmacher Institute explains the vaginal diaphragm as “one of the oldest contraceptive methods. Despite several decades of legal restrictions in the United States that slowed the method's introduction into the market, the diaphragm had become the most frequently prescribed form of birth control in America by the 1930s.” 

The diaphragm would pave the way for the contraceptive pill, and The Pill paved the way for a movement. First approved by the FDA in 1960, oral contraceptives would go on to become a widely available and successful form of birth control. 

Premarital sex was frowned upon in large part because of the risk of pregnancy and the stigma around having a child outside of wedlock. With the pill, women could painlessly and easily avoid pregnancy and enjoy a fulfilling sex life before tying the knot—or not. The world became a world of possibilities. 

Where men for most of history have been encouraged to explore their sexuality, or at least were not socially penalized for any adult activity, these same freedoms being offered to women was a new concept. The feminist movement in the 1960’s interrogated many social conventions from the concept of breadwinner/homemaker relationships to traditional attitudes around sex. PBS reports that “societal emphasis on virginity and marriage were slowly replaced by a celebration of single life and sexual exploration.” 

At that time, more women than ever before were free to explore their sexuality unencumbered by the risk of pregnancy. Sex could simply be something fun, something to be celebrated between two people instead of a risky (but also still very fun) interaction. 

Today  

Nowadays, attitudes toward sex are much more evolved compared to even 50 years ago. (Psst: Lion's Den is celebrating 50 years!) Sexual wellness has now become an important component of overall health. Never before has it been easier to have an orgasm when a vibrator of your very own (and not one in a mental asylum) can be purchased online and shipped straight to your doorstep. The internet has given rise to a discourse about sexual pleasure and how to take charge of it. 

This National Orgasm Day, celebrate with yourself, a partner, a friend or with anyone you want. You’ve got more tools at your disposal to not just have a good time, but have a great time—more than one if you’re up to it— than most humans have had in the history of time. Enjoy it! It’s taken a while to get here.

Prolonged Pleasure

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

It’s about the journey, not the destination. 

Nowhere is that expression more applicable than in the bedroom. A quickie is fun here and there, but routinely sex should be a marathon rather than a sprint. We all want to cross the finish line, but we also want to have a good time along the way and make the good times last.

A survey conducted by the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that “ an “adequate” length for ejaculatory latency was from 3 to 7 minutes; “desirable” from 7 to 13 minutes; “too short” from 1 to 2 minutes; “too long” from 10 to 30 minutes.” Everyone’s preference is different, and it’s important to get your partner’s input on how long they would like your sexual encounter to last. But if you’re unsatisfied with your stamina, there are ways to help. 

Prolonging pleasure is an acquired skill, but it is a skill anyone can gain. It takes discipline and stamina to delay an orgasm. If you haven’t got either of those things, keep reading for recommendations on products and techniques for how to beat your personal time record and satisfy yourself and your partner for even longer. 

Live on the Edge:

We’ve all heard of delayed gratification. It makes the reward all the more sweeter to know it’s something you had to work for, to wait for, and how when you finally get what you’ve been building up to it becomes something to savor rather than devour whole. 

Edging takes delayed gratification to a whole new level. 

Like the name would imply, edging means bringing yourself or your partner right up to the proverbial edge and then slowing down. Kinkly explains edging as “bringing yourself (or a partner) close to orgasm, stopping just before climax, and then repeating the process over again.” 

Why do this, you might ask? With each time you tease yourself until you’re on the verge of having an orgasm, the intensity builds. Good things come to those who wait, and earth shatteringly great orgams are definitely worth that wait. You can edge yourself as many times as you want, or until you can’t stand it any longer, and enjoy your compounded climax. 

But you don’t have to wait around for your partner to try it out. Edging can be just as fun for people flying solo as it is with a partner. In fact, it’s best to test things out on yourself before getting a friend involved. All you need is yourself, your favorite toy, and some lube. While masturbating, bring yourself close to release then stop just short, and repeat as desired. 

Self-edging allows you to get really familiar with your body’s natural cues. Learning how you feel right before you orgasm, and how to hold off, will give you more power over all your climaxes.

Edging is also a great way to build intimacy between partners. Not only do you learn your personal cues, but edging a partner allows you to get more in touch with their personal cues. Edging can give you a better sense of how long and what it takes to get your partner there, which is all valuable information for when you move onto the next course of the evening. 

As if there weren’t enough reasons to try edging, Kinkly also reports that it can increase overall sexual stamina, especially in those who have a penis and might be prone to premature ejaculation. In order to successfully edge, you use all the same muscles engaged doing kegel exercises, so edging is also an easy and fun workout for your pelvic floor. The best part is that edging will pay off up front and will keep paying off later. 

If you decide to try edging (and even if you don’t), we recommend lube. According to Women's Health, “nearly 50 percent of men and women who have used lube say that it makes it easier to have an orgasm.” Lube is fantastic at upping the wow factor to your overall experience, but if you’d like to try something that will not only smooth things out but will prolong your activities, try the Endless Love for Men Stay Hard and Prolong Water Based Lubricant. Endless Love’s lubricant includes a mild numbing agent making it easier to last longer and play harder. 

Sidebar: Numbing agents are fun because it turns the volume down on the sensation, making it easier to play longer. However, numbing agents can potentially desensitize sensations that might be a warning sign. As always, test your numbing agent beforehand to see just how numb you’ll be, and avoid potential injuries later. Use with caution and know your limitations. 

Combating Premature Ejaculation:

Some premature ejaculation is totally normal, especially for people who are still novices at sex. Nerves and confidence play a huge part in controlling your climax, and gaining more experience will help you acquire more skills and more faith in yourself. 

For those who are still dealing with premature ejaculation even with some experience, that is still common. Because it is normal, there are many resources available to you. First, start by practicing mindfulness and focusing on your breathing. Familiarize yourself with your own body and learn how to tune in on what you’re feeling. 

Products to Try:

There are a myriad of products that can help increase your stamina, such as desensitizing gels and creams. System JO Prolonger Gel uses natural numbing agents to help prolong your encounter. The brand recommends having fun with the gel’s application. It can be a great foreplay tool for slowing down time with your partner. 

Another great option is System JO for Him Prolonger Maximum Strength Desensitizing Spray. This desensitizing spray will help extend your intimacy by delaying orgasm and aiding in your “staying power.” 

Prolonging gel is best applied before you get started, or as the first step into foreplay. When you’re ready to move things along, a massage is always a good idea. Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Finger Play Gel is a perfect choice for those who are looking to get a little handsy, by yourself or with a friend. Bijoux’s gel can be used for masturbating as well as giving your partner a rub-down. 

Penis rings could also be a way to extend your session. They work by applying pressure to the penis and restricting blood flow which helps keep it engorged. The Rubber C-Ring Set by Spartacus is an easy-to-use penis ring set made of comfortable soft rubber with three different size options. 

Penis rings are a fairly straightforward product, but some come with a few extra bells and whistles. The Signet Ring not only comes with a vibrating attachment for the pleasure of you and your partner, but also comes with an app! You can control the Signet Ring from your phone, making it easy to take with you on an adventure, and you can create customizable vibrating patterns tailored to you and your partner’s preference. 

Safe sex should always be a priority, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with it. Plenty of condoms come in different variations meant to prolong pleasure or increase different sensations for you and your partner. The Durex Performax Intense Condoms come “ribbed and dotted with delay lubricant.” One-stop-shop products like these are great for when you want to take your time with your partner and not take so much time getting warmed up. 

And remember that there is so much more to sex than just the male orgasm. Sex should be fun and pleasurable for both partners, and its important to bear your partner’s own satisfaction in mind. By gaining more power over your orgasm, you’ll be able to play longer and help ensure that both of you are satisfied.

Erectile Dysfunction

Arousal can be. . . complicated. Different factors like stress, genetics, and overall health can influence how your body responds to sexual stimulation. Sometimes, the underlying cause is as simple as not feeling it or having an off day. Other times, though, the underlying problem with maintaining arousal might be something more that requires a little more attention. 

Erectile dysfunction is very common, affecting roughly 30 million men in the United States. It’s more prevalent among older people or those with chronic health concerns, but younger people can also experience erectile dysfunction. It’s something that can—and does—affect anyone. 

It’s no new phenomenon plaguing only the modern man. Hundreds of people for hundreds of years have experienced erectile dysfunction. It was historically referred to as impotence, derived from the Latin word impotencia, meaning lack of power. And yet, some of the most powerful figures in history like Henry VIII and Tsar Peter II have experienced erectile dysfunction. It’s totally normal, and has nothing to do with your personal power or worthiness despite historical stigma. 

The Mayo Clinic defines erectile dysfunction as “the inability to get and keep an erection firm enough for sex.” The most common causes for erectile dysfunction are metabolic syndrome, diabetes, high cholesterol, heart disease, or a number of other chronic health conditions. The Urology Care Foundation warns that erectile dysfunction might be an indicator of a serious cardiovascular disease. Erectile dysfunction is often a symptom of a bigger health issue rather than the health issue itself, and should be taken seriously. 

However, erectile dysfunction is not always a cue to prepare for the worst. Erectile dysfunction can be initiated by psychological stressors. Your brain is one of your most valuable tools for achieving arousal. But if your brain is already preoccupied and dealing with mental health concerns like depression or anxiety, it can be difficult to experience and express physical desire. It’s possible that depression or anxiety might be causing erectile dysfunction, which erectile dysfunction then contributes to by causing even more stress. And erectile dysfunction can be frustrating, but it is treatable once the root cause is identified. 

If you’ve begun to experience chronic erectile dysfunction, it might be time to consult your primary health care provider or seek advice from a urologist or nephrologist, doctors which specialize in conditions affecting the kidneys or urinary tracts. The Urology Care Foundation extols that finding the cause of your erectile dysfunction is a vital first step in treating it or improving your overall health. 

To diagnose your erectile dysfunction, the physician will ask you questions as well as perform physical tests. This will likely include an examination of your genitals as well as a prostate exam. The exam could possibly involve bloodwork, if only to rule in-or-out any serious diseases. 

Your doctor will provide a healthcare plan for you. Combating erectile dysfunction could include changing your diet and exercise routine, stopping smoking, testosterone therapy, or seeing a therapist. If you’re not experiencing erectile dysfunction and want to prevent it, the same treatments mentioned above still apply. Taking care of your mental and physical health will help take care of the problem.

Penetration can be a great tool for enhancing pleasure for yourself or with a partner. But depending on what you’re going for and your own physicality, you might be limited on the kind of action you can achieve on your own. Those who have a penis might also be interested in experimenting with something that has a different look and feel. 

The solution for this? Try involving a dong the next time you play with a partner or by yourself. 

What Are Dongs? 

Defined by Kinkly as both “slang for penis” and “a long, phallic shaped sex toy,” a dong is most commonly known as a sex toy used for penetration. According to Planned Parenthood, a dildo (basically the same thing as a dong) is an object “that goes inside a vagina, anus, or mouth. Dildos come in many shapes and sizes, but they’re often shaped like a penis.”

Basically a dong is a phallic toy meant for penetrative play. There are plenty on the market meant to look and feel like a real penis, but that isn’t your only option. All fairly long and cylindrical in shape, you can take your pick of the most hyper-realistic dildos to ones with fun colors, textures, and styles. Some even have more inventive and abstract designs, meant to look more like a tongue or tentacle than a penis. 

You can pick any size or girth that best suits you. Dongs also come in plenty of materials like silicone or plastic to metal and glass. Ranging from smooth and straight to curvy and ribbed, there’s a texture and style out there for everyone. 

Who Are They For?

People of any gender can use and enjoy dongs. Simply put, they’re for anyone who enjoys penetration. Dongs are most popular among fans of pegging and for relationships with two female partners. However, any kind of relationship with any kind of person can likely find a dong they enjoy using. Whether you choose to be the active or passive partner, or play by yourself, is totally up to you. There are no rules on who they’re for, only rules on how to use them so that you can get the most out of your product. 

How To Use Dongs?

Dongs are suitable for anal, oral, or vaginal use and can be utilized in all sorts of play. They can be used for anything from solo or mutual masturbating to penetrating your partner. Use one to practice your oral technique, or choose one with a harness for playing with a partner. It’s totally up to you how you’d like to use your dong and what you’re using it for.

When selecting a style of dong, keep in mind what kind of activities you plan on engaging in and your partner’s or your own comfort level. Some dongs might have different physical requirements compared to others. Always select something that is fun for all parties involved and accessible for both you and your partner. 

Self-maintenance can feel overwhelming. Routines for body care and sexual health seem to have an infinite number of combinations and options. In a sea of advice, it can be hard to choose what to incorporate into your daily life. 

We’ve compiled some easy-to-follow advice on how you can enhance your self-care routine—or begin building yours if you don’t already have one. 

Manscaping 101:

Body hair—how much of it and where you let it grow—is a personal choice. There’s no wrong answer to how much hair you want to keep, but there is a proper way to remove body hair you don’t want and care for the hair you want to keep. 

The easiest method in most cases is shaving. You likely already own a razor. If not, there are a variety of quality options available at all price points. 

If you’re looking to manicure your facial hair specifically, a dermaplaning razor could give you better results than your standard razor. The small precision blade makes it easy to reach small areas and perfect fine details, such as trimming down your brows. 

Typically, for coarser and more plentiful body hair, a 5-blade cartridge is the best choice. If you use a razor to shave your body, it’s best to keep the blade you use for your face and the blade you use for your body separate. 

When shaving your body, shave with the grain and always use a shaving cream or gel with little-to-no alcohol. It shouldn’t dry out your skin, just provide a barrier for your skin so you don’t get razor burn. One of our absolute favorites is Coochy Shave Cream by Classic Brands. It comes in a variety of scents and works on all body hair no matter your gender. Their signature shave cream stops red bumps from appearing anywhere you shave and leaves skin oh so smooth, delicately fragranced and irresistible to touch. 

When shaving down-there, proceed with caution. You can’t rush perfection. Go slow to avoid knocking your sensitive pubic skin.

Shaving will take all your hair off. If you want just a trim, invest in a good pair of scissors meant for facial hair (these can be used anywhere) or an electric trimmer. Like with anything sharp, be careful not to cut yourself in the process. 

If cutting yourself is a concern, or you want a more permanent body hair removal, waxing or a hair removal cream offer a solution. 

For waxing your legs, chest, or back, there are plenty of excellent at-home kits. Veet’s Ready To Use Wax Strips are fuss-free prepackaged wax strips readily available at most local Targets and Walgreens. Nads Natural Sugar Wax is another great diy option. You can achieve salon results at home by spreading the no-heat formula on the desired area with one of the kit’s spatulas, and remove with a provided reusable cotton strip. 

If you want to try waxing your genitals, it’s best to seek a professional at your local wax studio. Prepare for any waxing beforehand by exfoliating and drying your skin—and taking some over-the-counter pain medicine beforehand can help the process. 

Hair removal can be done at home easily. Always follow the instructions exactly to avoid painful chemical burns. If you plan to use any hair removal cream in your public area, double check that it is pubic-area specific. Apply gently around your pubic area, avoiding direct contact with your genitals, and wash your hands carefully afterward. 

To care for your remaining body hair, exfoliate regularly and moisturize your skin. This will help your body hair grow the best it can. (Psst: it is perfectly healthy to keep any and all body hair. If you want to grow it out, we found some great tips from VOGUE on how to embrace the full bush.)

Cleansing and Skincare: 

In general, it’s best practice to take a shower every day and cleanse your entire body with soap and water. However, not all soap is created equal. Switching up some steps in your cleansing routine might help improve your overall hygiene and appearance. 

If you struggle with body acne, the solution can be as simple as switching a body wash. To combat body acne, particularly any that occurs on the back, chest, or backside, a body wash containing benzoyl peroxide or salicylic acid should help. Acne, especially body acne, is a result of inflammation rather than lack of cleanliness. Therefore, chemicals like salicylic acid or benzoyl peroxide that aid cell turnover will soothe your skin and alleviate breakouts. 

It’s important to remember that exfoliating chemicals make the skin more photosensitive, so it’s important to pair them with an effective sunscreen. SPF should be an important step in your daily routine regardless. In addition to preventing premature aging and protecting your skin from damage, consistent use of sunscreen will help preserve your skincare results and mitigate future breakouts. Find one you like for your face and body and get into the habit of applying it each morning—and then reapplying it as your preferred sunscreen recommends. 

It’s important to regularly clean your pubic area. In addition to skin of your nether regions being more sensitive than the skin on the rest of your body, it’s also a dark and sweat-prone area of the body, making it an ideal breeding ground for bacteria. Using a gentle soap without any additional scents added is the best choice for this part of the body. It’s safe for the rest of the body as well. 

You don’t have to bathe immediately after having sex, but it would be a good idea to bathe within the next few hours. In a pinch, wiping down with some intimate care wipes like Promescent Before and After Care Wipes, Sweet Spot’s A Clean S-wipe, or Good Clean Love’s Rebalance Cleansing Wipes can be a great substitution until you’re able to hop in a shower. Even if you don’t have access to a shower or cleansing wipes, it is ALWAYS a good idea to pee after sex to reduce the risk of bacteria traveling to your bladder and causing a UTI. 

If you still have a foreskin, be sure to pull it back and effectively clean the surrounding area. This helps prevent smegma as well as potential yeast infections (yes, people with penises can also get yeast infections). Take an extra minute to examine your body whenever you bathe to make sure there isn’t anything out of the ordinary. Healthline recommends checking your groin area for blisters, rashes, or unusual discharge, as these could be a sign of an STI or another underlying health problem, all of which are best to catch sooner rather than later. 

If you do find anything that looks out of place, contact your healthcare provider. 

Outside of actually showering, you can continue caring for your skin by regularly applying moisturizer to your face and body. The skin is the largest organ of the body. Whether you have oily or dry skin, regularly moisturizing it will help preserve it’s natural barrier and overall health. 

Sex Toy Care:

Caring for what touches your skin is just as important as caring for your skin as well. If you use any kind of sex toy, it’s essential to clean every product before and after use. However, according to a poll of over 1,000 people conducted by Adam and Eve, “19% of the women and 36% of the men said they never cleaned their sex toys. And 11% of the women and 7% of the men admitted they clean their toys every few uses.” Clean those toys, people!!

If you use a masturbator or stroker, your bodily fluids are caught inside. If not cleaned, your biological matter will eventually fester and make the product unsafe and unusable. 

Most products will include a cleaning guide. Follow the directions closely to ensure the longevity of your product and keep it as healthy and safe as possible for your personal use. Generally, warm water and soap will do the trick. For soap, always opt for something that is compatible with the material your product is made of so it won’t cause premature damage. Lion’s Den Anti-Bacterial Toy Cleaner or System JO’s Misting Toy Cleanser are both effective spray cleansers without any chemical smell. Simply mist your product, let sit for 60 seconds, and rinse clean. Air drying is also generally best practice. 

Whatever way you decide to care for your body, it shouldn’t feel like a chore. A few simple extra steps can dramatically improve your overall health and boost your confidence. 

Try to develop habits that will make you healthier in the long run. And when buying self-care products, the best advice is to always choose things that you will actually use. If something feels like a burden, you will be less inclined to incorporate it into your routine. Choose the things that you are naturally drawn to and feel at home in the rest of your regimen.

Some Like it Hot, Some Like it Cold:

Temperature Play

If you’ve been looking for a way to literally heat things up in the bedroom, temperature play might be just the thing. From refreshing chills to passionate heat, your options for temperature foreplay are vast. It can be as simple or elaborate as desired and is easily customized to anyone. Whether you’re looking to steam things up or cool things down, this article will give you plenty of insights on how to incorporate temperature into your activities. 

What is Temperature Play?

According to Katy Thorn, a writer for LELO, temperature play is “a type of sensation play that uses hot and cold objects or substances on the body for sensual exploration.” Temperature play might sound intimidating, but it can be customized for everyone from beginners to those with more experience. Kinkly explains how temperature play is meant to stimulate neuroreceptors to trigger a sensual response. This can be achieved with something as simple as trailing an ice cube over bear skin to heating or cooling temperature-retentive toys. 

Temperature play is a staple in BDSM, but can be adapted to any comfort or skill level. Some like to incorporate restraints or blindfolds into temperature play, so as to add an extra element of surprise when playing with hot and cold. However, it is totally up to you how you’d like your session to go. 

Where to Get Started? 

Temperature play is all about heightening your senses. It can be done easily and safely at home by yourself or with a friend. Temperature play can be done solo or with partner(s), with or without toys, and DIY or with products specially made with temperature play in mind. There’s a near endless sea of options to explore when it comes to experimenting with hot and cold. 

Thorn recommends starting by using ice or freezing fruit or vegetables, particularly anything with a high water content, and holding it in your mouth or tracing the frozen items along your skin—especially the more sensitive areas. 

Things to Keep in Mind:

While hot and cold sensations can trigger exciting responses, it’s important to remember that temperatures shouldn’t be too extreme. However you decide to play, always test whatever product you’re using beforehand to make sure that the temperature is just right. Communicate with your partner beforehand, too, as it should be fun, not painful. 

Harnesses for All Genders

Everyone’s needs and desires are different in the bedroom. For some, penetration may be needed to achieve pleasure, but what if you don’t have a penis? Although regular dildos are great options to explore when looking for penetrative toys, when with a partner, it might become necessary to take it a step further with a strap-on harness. 

Strap-ons can aid in not only giving penetrative abilities to a non-penis owner, but can also assist people with physical limitations, provide their partner with penetration, as well as help penis owners with penile limitations. Strap-on harnesses come in various different forms, many of which feature a ring so you can swap out the size of the dildo you are currently using.

These forms can be standard leather or elastic straps that wrap around your waist and legs, or worn and designed to be like regular boxers or briefs. 

No matter your needs, strap-ons can be utilized for a range of activities and can be worn by any gender. 

Standard Waist Harness:

The most common harness on the market, these are reminiscent of a jock strap with an outer ring and straps that are worn around the waist and thighs to keep the harness in place. Sometimes, this can include a padded piece around the pelvic area to keep the harness from being uncomfortable while thrusting. In some cases, these styles can include an additional ring that allows for the user to use two dildos at once for double penetration on their partner. With adjustable straps, oftentimes these can be one size fits most and some even come with adjustable straps that are worn like suspenders to make it even more secure on different body types. These can sometimes feature a fixed dildo design while others often are interchangeable.

Product recommendations: SpareParts Joque Harness, The Duchess Dual Penetration Harness, Dillio Suspender Harness

Brief Style Waist Harness:

Similar to standard waist harnesses, this style is variation that covers the genital area like a regular pair of underwear. This makes it much more comfortable to wear and feels more natural than other strapped harnesses. These can occasionally feature a slitted bottom that allows for the wearer to still access their genitals while in use. These are also a very good style for penis owners who may have limitations with erections or having penetrative intercourse. This style allows for the scrotum to be cradled comfortably with the penis while still having the ability to use the harness for penetration. These are most commonly interchangeable while some are not.

Product Recommendations: Scandal Crotchless Pegging Panty, Easy Riders Quinn Harness

Thigh Harness:

A variation from the normal strap-on style, thigh harnesses allow for the user to utilize their legs for penetration if they are unable to thrust or use their hips. This allows for the person who is being penetrated to control the speed and how they like to be penetrated themselves while still having the closeness and intimacy of being with a partner. If the penetrator is utilizing their upper body, this allows them to use their mouth and hands to continue stimulating their partners upper body as well.

Product Recommendations: Thigh Strap-on Harness

Face Harness:

Another variation, and an incredibly unique style, is the mouth or face harness. These harnesses are for use over the mouth and jaw and allow for the wearer to penetrate their partner with their face. This can be useful in various forms of Dominant/submission play in the kink community, and very similar to the thigh harness, can be extremely helpful for those with physical limitations. 

These always feature a fixed dildo, so there is less variation in penetration, but with the unique positioning of face harnesses, you can experiment with a number of creative positions. Some face and mouth harnesses include gags as well, so be aware of that if you are uncomfortable with being gagged.

Product Recommendations: Face Fuk Mouth Gag

Hollow Dildo Waist Harness:

Nearly identical to the standard waist harness, the hollow dildo variation is a non-interchangeable harness with an opening within the dildo to hold the penis in a more natural position when in use by a penis owner. 

This can be utilized in many different ways, whether for a form of chastity play where the penis owner cannot get physical stimulation or as a natural feeling alternative for someone who may have erectile dysfunction or other penile issues such as premature ejaculation. This also can be used by non-penis owners just like a regular strap-on but because it is hollow, often these can be thicker and lighter, potentially making it much more comfortable.

Product Recommendations: Dr. Skin Hollow Strap-on, Fetish Fantasy Hollow Strap-on with Balls

Strapless Harness:

The biggest variation for a strap-on while still being utilized in the genital area, the strapless harness is required to be used by a non-penis owner. Unlike other harnesses that are worn like underwear, this one is used by inserting a larger, often bulbous, portion into the vagina that extends as one piece into a dildo. 

This is a great alternative that feels more natural to genital placement while still stimulating both the wearer and the person being penetrated. These can come with rechargeable or removable vibrators as well, adding even more to the capabilities to this style. Due to the shape of the design, there are some that even have textured portions that can rub against the clitoris when worn. These do require an additional level of kegel strength in order to keep them snug within the vagina, especially at larger sizes that are heavier.

Product Recommendations: Revolver Strapless Strap-on, Ouch! Silicone Strapless Strap-on

Dildo Options:

One of the most important aspects of a strap-on is the dildo used with it, and with so many harness options with interchangeable dildo capabilities, it’s important to know which ones are compatible with your harness. 

Most suction cup dildos are strap-on compatible, but look at the packaging and description to be certain. Certain brands, like Vac-U-Lock can only be utilized with their brand harnesses, while other dildos can be used with a variety of harnesses. Some can feature both the penis and scrotum and are made of a plastic blend or silicone while others can be made of glass. There are few variations that include a rechargeable vibrator in them that can be used with the harness as well. Because of this ability, dildo variations can be used as well, such as ones that are smoother and non-textured or ones that are uniquely to your preference.

Product Recommendations: Ruse - Jimmy, Her Royal Harness Probe, Silicone Pegging Probe

Strap-ons can be an incredibly useful tool in a journey for sexual pleasure with a partner. Whether you have a penis or vulva, they can be a gateway to penetrative sensations that you may not otherwise be able to achieve. With capabilities and benefits that extend to those with physical limitations, it is one of the most inclusive pleasure products on the market. Whether your physical limitations include movement, penile limitations, or anything in between, a harness can be the perfect item for you to consider on your next trip for a new pleasure product.

TRYST

One of the most common misconceptions about sex toys and pleasure products is that straight and straight-passing couples don’t need them! And while we can sort of understand that mindset, just because they do not technically need any extra products to perform penetrative sex, that narrow mindset means that many opportunities for better sex are being overlooked! 

Cock rings are one of the easiest ways to up the experience, as they are used to extend the duration of an erection, allowing for more play time. One of our favorite updates to a standard cock ring is Doc Johnson’s TRYST. It is a combination cock ring and clitoral vibrator designed with the ability to be worn during sex or any type of partner play, but unlike a basic ring, it’s not just limited to intercourse—TRYST is also a great option for a solo masturbation session for any gender.

The TRYST has three individual, strong motors: one in each arm and one in the base. Because the arm motors can be controlled separately from the base, when used during penetration, each player can experience the exact strength and pattern vibration they prefer, if any. When used solo, the arms can be inserted vaginally, anally, or both! The vibrating arms are perfect for stimulating the clit, nipples, or being worn around testicles for an extra sensation while masturbating.

In fact, there are so many innovative ways that TRYST can be used that Doc Johnson has even provided a (non-comprehensive) chart of diagrams to show a few suggested uses for those who would like to get creative. (Pssst: we can't wait to try them all!)

The options were greatly expanded in 2020 when the second iteration of TRYST dropped. TRYST v2 looks very similar to its original predecessor, but includes many new features. The new version can be controlled by the included wireless remote. The addition of the remote makes it much easier to switch vibration settings during intercourse, since the original can only be adjusted by using the buttons on its front.

The other major and exciting update to TRYST v2 is the product’s bendable arms. Each arm still includes a powerful motor, but now they are posable, so the wearer can adjust it for their cock, if they prefer a tighter or looser fit. The arms bend any way you want them to, but they are not flimsy—they stay in position as posed. And don’t worry, there’s an updated chart of suggested uses for this new functionality.

We love both versions of the TRYST, especially due to their ability to be used to great extent during both solo and partner play. They’re also both available in multiple colors—the TRYST comes in purple and black, and TRYST v2 in purple, mint, and teal—and all are made with health-grade silicone, the safest material for your body.

So whether you’re an experienced pleasure-product user or just beginning to look for a way to bring them into your relationship, TRYST and TRYST v2 are worth trying out.

Products to Spark Intimacy

Intimacy comes in various forms. As we discussed before in PillowTalk, intimacy is not limited to only sexual interactions with a partner. There are components of trust, emotional and spiritual connections, as well as many more, that are instrumental in experiencing deep intimacy in relationships. In some cases, discovering what intimacy means to you can help you build more intimate connections with others as well. There are many ways to interpret these components, but what may work for others may not be something that works for you in your relationships. 

Here are some products to help explore various aspects of intimacy to grow and develop deeper connections with not only yourself, but your partners as well. 

Burlesque and the Art of the Teese by Dita Von Teese: $53.95

Perceptions of your partner can be a strong method of intimacy; burlesque dancing can be a strong component when manipulating those perceptions to aid in visual arousal. Dita Von Tease uses her expertise on burlesque dancing and its relation to things like fetish and other mental manipulations to spark additional arousal. This knowledge, when utilized, can be powerful when creating intimate spaces with a partner as well as creating a space that embraces your individual sexuality and body positivity. Von Teese’s goal within burlesque and fetish is to bring minds closer through engaging in this expression of sexuality.

As we learned through therapist Alyssa Mancao’s understanding of intimacy, the mental component has a strong connection to physical aspects of intimacy. With their understanding of this connection and Von Teese’s experience utilizing it, readers will not only read first hand accounts of how this practice can benefit them, but also learn helpful tips and tricks for engaging in it themselves or with a partner. 

You and Me, A Game of Love and Intimacy - Creative Conceptions: $16.95

This product is a game that features a dice, timer and multiple cards that may give commands of your partner or present thought provoking situations that will expose desires and other intimate details of their life. All of this is in an effort to promote both physical and mental intimacies while touching upon other aspects such as emotional and spiritual intimacies. This game works well with long term partners who are looking to rekindle a lost spark by rediscovering themselves as a couple, as well as for new partners who are just starting to get to know one another. Regardless of who you are using it with, it is very likely you will walk away from this game knowing your partner on a deeper level than you did before.

Lingerie: Various Prices

One of the largest requirements for intimacy is comfortability. Lingerie can be a useful piece in feeling comfortable with a partner as things start to heat up. There are plenty of brands, styles and even costumes that can bring more comfort and enjoyment to your interactions or when alone. This confidence boost can help increase your mood and perception of yourself or how you are perceived by a partner, bringing you even closer. While lingerie is often seen as something sexy, lacy, and elegant, it doesn’t particularly have to be. It can be the softest pair of boxer briefs you find of one with a funny quote like “Spank Me” across the butt to invoke some humor and lighthearted fun into your interactions. No matter the style or preference, wearing something that makes you comfortable and confident can be a step towards more intimate moments with a partner. 

Kama Sutra Weekender Kit - Kama Sutra: $23.95

The Kama Sutra is one of the oldest works of love and erotic behavior that is relatively well known in society. But unlike the assumptions that it is solely for the use of kinksters and others looking for quick tips on sex, it is also deeply psychological and touches many aspects of intimacy, more specifically, the spiritual side of intimacy. 

This kit features a combination of pleasure balms that will tantalize various areas of the body, bathing gels and massage oils, as well as a feather applicator for a Honey Dust that is edible and body safe. All of this comes backed with position and erotic cards to help embrace intimacy and closeness between partners in a way that is comfortable and relaxed for first time users. It also comes in a small travel case that allows for users to take it on romantic trips where the intent is to be as intimate as possible. 

Bijoux Indiscrets 12 Sexy Days - Bijoux Indiscrets: $148.95

Exploring similar interests is another large component of mental intimacy, but rather than the perception being the main focus, the 12 Sexy Days kit brings more direct physical intimacy into the equation. This kit includes twelve different products to help connect partners through toys that can enhance experiences in the bedroom. With light bondage toys, a vibrator, and apparel being included in this package, it is made to bring couples closer together through the use of these products. Looking solely at the kink aspect of this box, all of kink is based in trust, one of the seven elements that define intimacy. Through simply using the blindfold and being stripped of your ability to see, it requires a deeper trust in your partner that you otherwise may not have ever considered in your sexual relationships. Being able to rely on that trust through the use of the included light restraints, tickler, and whip creates a setting where you fall deeper into that physical and mental intimacy with your partner.

Intimacy is an important part of any relationship. Within romantic and sexual relationships, it can be the defining aspect of whether things work out the way you intend or not. By exploring the details of your relationship that associate with your mental, physical, spiritual and emotional attachments to one another, you can find that you have a deeper level of intimacy. 

Consistently stimulating these different connections gives way to an ongoing attachment that can make a relationship stronger and more worthwhile. Engage with your partner on multiple levels, and continue discovering the levels of intimacy that remain most important to you, with that you’ll likely find something deeper and much more fulfilling within your relationship.