Orgasms are hard and not for the reasons you think. Orgasms are a release of tension in the body and the realities of adulthood and life make that release quite difficult. If you struggle to reach orgasm, you are not alone, and the struggle is more common than you probably think. Don’t give up hope, though, because I am here to help you better understand what makes it challenging and offer some solutions that you can try to achieve a climax.
Understanding Orgasms
To better understand the challenges, you have to first understand orgasms themselves. Orgasms are the peak of sexual arousal when tension and pressure are released from the body. Now, the gist of all orgasms is the same, but orgasms themselves are not exactly the same. You can experience orgasms in different parts of the body and to varying degrees of intensity. This means that one day you can have an explosive nipple orgasm and the next a meh anal orgasm. It’s important to recognize that orgasms are going to feel different because it can alleviate the worry that something is wrong with you.
The Most Common Challenge
You might find this hard to believe, but the most common challenge to orgasming is setting the goal of orgasming. I know it sounds ridiculous, but the minute you decide or say to yourself, “I’m going to have an orgasm,” or “I’m about to have the most amazing orgasm ever,” you have just put so much pressure on yourself. If this is something you often do, then consider changing your approach. Focus the goal on just being to experience pleasure. To let go and enjoy your playtime without expectations of a specific outcome. It may take some time to get out of the habit because so many of us attach goals to so much of what we do, but when it comes to sex and pleasure, goal-setting kind of takes away from the point.
Other Common Challenges
The most common challenges people face concerning orgasms are usually related to mental, physical, and external factors. Mental factors include stress, relationship problems, and self-confidence. Physical factors can be aging, body changes, and pain. External factors are things like sex-negative messaging that we internalize, lack of knowledge, and traumatic experiences. Some of the challenges are things we can control, and others are not so much.
Solutions for Common Challenges
If you need to resolve mental factors, self-care is going to truly help. And no, I don’t mean the self-care of taking a bath or getting your nails done. I mean the self-care of implementing some boundaries and actively prioritizing stress relief. Setting boundaries in your relationship to address problems is extremely important and can greatly help with the problems, as well as direct communication with your partner(s). When it comes to stress management and relief, consider journaling or meditating before sexy time to try and clear your mind and calm your body so that you can have a better chance at orgasm.
If your problems are more physical, then you are going to need to take some time to connect and re-learn your body. This is especially true if you are aging or experienced some body changes. Getting to know your body again is also going to take time, but it is a fun and exciting exploration. You should take time to explore different types of touch and stimulation all over your body to see where and how you enjoy being stimulated. As you re-discover, it will become easier for you to orgasm over time. If your physical problem is pain, you should consider talking to your primary care provider or doctor to see if it is something more medical or if it is the specific activities, you are engaging in.
External factors are the trickiest of all because we can only do so much to change the world. A lot of external factors are messages we learned growing up or have continually heard and internalized that make us feel shame or guilt around sex and pleasure, which then keeps us from experiencing orgasms and just letting go and enjoying the experience. To battle this, we have to work to unlearn the sex-negative things that have been ingrained in us. This is going to be especially difficult if you were raised religiously because so much of religion is against sex and pleasure. It takes time, but there are books and educators who want to help, so don’t be afraid to use those resources.
Regardless of what is challenging you about achieving orgasm, know that you aren’t alone and that it isn’t an overnight fix generally. It takes time to move away from things that are common and second nature to us, even when they are opposite our pleasure and desires. So be gentle to yourself and take time to center pleasure before the orgasm.