Is it a Fetish or a Kink: Exploring & Making Space for Your Fetishes

Understanding exactly what a fetish and a kink is where you start for your explorative journey. Kinks are activities that are considered unconventional or not the norm, which is a very broad definition. Due to the breadth of the definition of kinks, they can be very subjective. Fetishes on the other hand are sexual fixations that add to the sexual satisfaction one experiences. This means that having specific things present during sexual activity will allow for more sexual satisfaction. It is important to recognize that fetishes aren’t something that you HAVE to HAVE, but rather they are things that you know will lead to feeling satisfied after sexual activity. 

Now that you understand the difference between kinks and fetishes where do you start in exploring your fetishes? You are going to start by taking note of your sexual experiences. You might want to consider keeping a journal where you can write down all the different things that bring you sexual satisfaction. Once you get an idea of the things then you can keep track of their frequency. It is okay if this feels like a long process, no aspect of our sexuality necessarily happens overnight. It always takes us some time to discover different parts of ourselves as they relate to sexuality. If you are unsure what counts as a fetish, you can start by exploring lists of common fetishes. You might not be interested in every fetish that is common but having a base language and understanding can make it easier to recognize your own and give you some direction in learning about your fetishes.

After you have figured out what your fetishes are the tricky part comes with integrating them into your partnered sex life. If you have a fetish that is more clothing focused like wearing lingerie or thigh highs, that is a bit easier to add in to partner play, because you can still do most sexual activities while wearing lingerie or thigh highs. If your fetish is a little more involved, like voyeurism or exhibitionism, then it may take some additional planning to integrate it. You could add in some voyeurism by recording you and your partner having sex–it is not the exact same as having someone else watch you, but it is kind of close. If exhibitionism is your fetish, then planning more trips that have more opportunities to be in front of others could be a good idea. You can plan camping trips or just trips to nearby sex clubs or try out app/remote-controlled toys that can be used in public without others knowing. Bringing your fetishes into partner play will require direct communication, creativity, and patience as it will need to meet the needs and desires of both of y’all.