Polyamory Relationships
Explore alternatives to monogamy.
For the most part, monogamy has been the default setting of relationships for the last few hundred years. However, attitudes about what relationships can look like are changing. People are becoming more and more open to relationships that aren't traditional heterosexual couplings.
Polyamory, also called Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM for short), is becoming increasingly popular. If you've ever wondered if non-monogamous relationships are for you or if they're something you're interested in exploring for yourself or with a partner, keep reading.
What is Polyamory
Polyamory is not the same as polygamy. For starters, polyamory isn't illegal like polygamy is, and it's becoming a more common lifestyle. Polyamory doesn't involve any legally binding contracts. It's all based on consensual agreements between legal adults. Both partners are welcome to participate and have outside relationships, some that they share and some that they keep just to themself.
Polyamory is only one form of CNM. Swinging and open relationships also fall under the umbrella of consensual non-monogamy but have subtle differences. Swinging focuses on sexual encounters outside of your core relationship; polyamory focuses on romantic and sexual relationships independent of your primary partner. Open relationships and polyamory are relatively interchangeable, except that open relationships have a core partnership. Polyamory doesn't require you to have a primary partner. Instead, you can have a web of people you choose to surround yourself with or a select few.
How Does it Work
As we've established, polyamory is the practice of having multiple intimate relationships. Everyone has full knowledge and has freely consented to the arrangement. It's also not gender-specific. Anyone in the polyamorous setup can identify as any gender.
Dynamics vary from couple to couple, and there's no wrong way to have a poly relationship. In some setups, both partners see other people. In others, only one couple seeks extracurriculars. And some don't have a core couple pairing. So it all depends on what you and your partner(s) agree to how your relationship(s) will work.
Polyamory comes from the Greek prefix poly, meaning many, and the Latin "amor," meaning love. Polyamory, at its core, is about having multiple romantic/sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved.
![Quote ""Implicit in that is that [there are] very clear conversations about sexual health that are happening in consensual non-monogamous relationships that may not be happening in monogamous relationships.” Credit: Amy Moors / Lion's Den logo in bottom right corner](https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/RWb9pWf7MsMJLe3znEVhhMXLY-IyN6vbScBQDBoBAVDVU6VQGhkA9VBzxjtrz-EY3AeVdraYyrh722hOcSNeq13vG_5yFDxabGuDrLl7oQ3IjpFs4gKhR-GjKPtWxQZ-Z7wg3B51)
How to Talk to Your Partner About Polyamory
Polyamory, like all relationships outside of monogamy, breaks from the norm. Breaking from the norm is enticing to some and intimidating to others. But if it's something you're serious about, the best way to approach this conversation is by being honest about what you want and leaving room for discussion.
Dr. Zhana is a professor of Human Sexuality at New York University. She is also the author of the online course Open Smarter, a resource for individuals and couples who want to learn more about non-monogamy and open relationships. On her website and blog, she offers this advice to people seeking to open their relationship up:
"Open relationships are more complex than monogamous ones; there are no role models, and there is very little information. It's easy to fuck up open relationships and cause a lot of pain and suffering for everyone involved."
You have to be forthcoming about what you're looking for, your expectations, and any limits or reservations you might have. Before you ever get started, discuss your boundaries and rules with your partner. If there are activities or topics you want to preserve for certain people, both partners must be aware of this.
Be prepared that CNM might not pan out exactly how you envision it. Pew Research Center found in a recent study that men are statistically less satisfied with their attention on dating apps than women. When evaluated by gender, 57 percent of men reported disappointment, while only 24 percent of women reported feeling dissatisfied. So keep this in mind when you're considering opening up your relationship and what kinds of activities you're looking to engage in with current or future partners.
![Quote ""In consensual non-monogamous relationships, jealousy is expected. But [poly people] see what feelings arise and actively work to navigate them in a proactive way.” Credit: Joanne Davila / Lion's Den logo displayed in bottom right corner](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/smOZvzIZnI7e1k9a4GV2KYNpwss7CrfeHFQJZtcZvA7z_62dQmSdKnfmouC7WkSu_2HgZ6fe8QLZU6FFQn7QHNXBmfvKgoJhaSVYN_4YaToGghwoI-vs6UMf8Til3dPttTb1h9Of)
While polyamory can be for anyone, not everyone is interested in exploring it. Some poly couples only have one partner who sees other people, which is a valid form of poly. But if your partner has no interest in seeing other people and would prefer that you didn't either, you either need to respect their wishes or reconsider if they're the right person for you. Bullying or coercion is not a good foundation for building this new part of your relationship.
The important thing is that everyone is consenting and conscious of participating.
If you need more resources on starting or enhancing your CNM relationship, conciouspolyamory.org has a helpful list.
For centuries, monogamy has been the dominant relationship model in many cultures. However, attitudes toward relationships are evolving. People are embracing diverse ways of forming connections, moving beyond traditional monogamous or heterosexual relationships. Among these, Polyamory, a form of Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM), is gaining visibility and acceptance.
If you've ever wondered whether non-monogamy is for you or are curious about exploring polyamorous relationships, read on. Let’s break down the basics, dynamics, and how to approach the topic with a partner.
What Is Polyamory?
Polyamory, from the Greek "poly" (many) and Latin "amor" (love), is the practice of having multiple intimate relationships simultaneously—with the full knowledge and consent of all involved. Unlike polygamy, which often involves legal or religious bindings, polyamory operates on consensual agreements without legal contracts.
It’s also distinct from other forms of CNM, such as swinging or open relationships:
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Swinging centers on external sexual encounters, often in a casual or social setting.
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Open relationships maintain a central partnership while allowing for outside connections.
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Polyamory, on the other hand, emphasizes romantic and emotional bonds that may not prioritize a primary partnership. It’s flexible, allowing for a web of relationships that suit individual needs and dynamics.
The Essence of Polyamory
Polyamory isn’t just about having multiple partners—it’s about fostering relationships built on trust, respect, and honest communication. Here’s what makes it unique:
- Transparency and Consent: Everyone involved is aware and consents to the arrangement.
- Gender Inclusivity: Polyamory welcomes individuals of all genders and orientations.
- Flexibility: There’s no single way to structure a polyamorous relationship. Some involve a primary couple; others are non-hierarchical with no central partnership.
As relationship expert Kate Kincaid explains:
"The biggest thing I appreciate about poly people is that they focus on knowing their needs and getting those needs met in creative ways—relying on friends or multiple partners instead of putting it all on one person."
— Source: Time Magazine
Navigating Jealousy and Boundaries
One of the common misconceptions about polyamory is that it eliminates jealousy. In reality, jealousy is a natural emotion that polyamorous individuals learn to navigate thoughtfully.
As Joanne Davila, a professor of psychology, notes:
"In consensual non-monogamous relationships, jealousy is expected. But [poly people] see what feelings arise and actively work to navigate them in a proactive way."
— Source: Time Magazine
Clear communication about boundaries, expectations, and emotions is essential. Everyone in the relationship must feel secure, valued, and respected.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Polyamory
If you’re interested in exploring polyamory, starting the conversation with your partner can feel daunting. However, open and honest communication is crucial.
Dr. Zhana, a professor of Human Sexuality at NYU and creator of the online course Open Smarter, offers this advice:
"Open relationships are more complex than monogamous ones; there are no role models, and there is very little information. It’s easy to mess up open relationships and cause a lot of pain for everyone involved."
Here are some tips to get started:
- Be Honest About Your Desires: Share what you’re looking for without pressuring your partner.
- Discuss Boundaries: Define what’s acceptable and what isn’t, and revisit these agreements as needed.
- Seek Resources Together: Books like The Ethical Slut or websites like consciouspolyamory.org offer invaluable guidance.
- Be Patient: Exploring non-monogamy is a journey that requires mutual understanding and time.
Common Challenges in CNM Relationships
Polyamory, like any relationship model, has its complexities. Pew Research Center found that dating app satisfaction varies by gender:
- 57% of men report feeling disappointed, compared to 24% of women.
These differences highlight the importance of managing expectations and prioritizing emotional well-being.
Remember, consent is the cornerstone of CNM relationships. Bullying or coercion into polyamory is not acceptable. As with any relationship, respect and mutual agreement are key.
Resources for Exploring Polyamory
If you’re ready to explore polyamory or enhance an existing CNM relationship, here are some helpful resources:
- Books: More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, Polysecure by Jessica Fern
- Online Communities: Forums, workshops, and support groups
- Courses: Open Smarter by Dr. Zhana
- Websites: Conscious Polyamory
The Beauty of Polyamory
Polyamory isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay. What matters most is finding a relationship style that aligns with your values and needs. Whether monogamous or polyamorous, the key to any fulfilling relationship lies in trust, communication, and mutual respect.
As Amy Moors, a social psychologist, shares:
"Implicit in polyamory are clear conversations about sexual health that may not happen in monogamous relationships."
— Source: Time Magazine
This Polyamory Day, take time to reflect on the diverse ways people experience love. Celebrate the courage it takes to live authentically, and honor the values of honesty and inclusivity that define polyamorous relationships.