Your First Kinky Steps

The kink lifestyle is something new and exciting to many people for a multitude of different reasons. This can range anywhere between just something to spice up the relationship to redefining what sexual freedom is in one’s life. Regardless of the reasoning, it is extremely necessary to define what your limits are for both yourself and your partner(s). 

Negotiations as a whole are the best way of discussing what will be expected within your kink experience. If you’re new and exploring, it becomes imperative that you don’t jump in too fast at the ideas surrounding what could happen without proper preparation. Jumping in too quickly could ultimately lead you to situations where you could, at the very least, be physically hurt, but even worse be left mentally scarred if not prepared. Here are some things to take into account as you start your kink journey.

Research First:

Just like anything else in life, it’s important to have at least a general idea about what it is before you even attempt to start it. With kink, this becomes increasingly more important. With impact scenes, what if you hit or are hit in a spot that is too close to vital organs and cause permanent damage? Or maybe you tie a restraint too tight and either you or your partner are left with permanent nerve damage? These are things that need to be known not only for your safety, but your partner’s as well. Proper research can also help influence your decision to try something all together. Maybe you had the misconception that all rope ties were for suspension and you never considered shibari or other rope art. Or maybe you learned that the best types of hot wax to use safely are made from materials you’re allergic to. Other than safety reasons, research also best prepares you to be confident in these acts as well. Confidence is key as it helps take away self doubt that could cloud your mind and negatively impact your ability to scene with your partner. It’s recommended that, especially in relationships that are exploring together, that you research together as well. It helps the conversations you have regarding kink run much smoother as well!

Negotiate:

After you’ve done some research either alone or with a partner, always reconnect to see where your comfort levels lie. This will help you determine the things that both parties are comfortable exploring and where their limits will lie within the things they are comfortable exploring. Discuss what the hard and soft limits would be for you and your partner. A hard limit is any activity that you do not consent to in any degree. These will not be explored at all as well as they are unlikely to be discussed again. Soft limits are limits that change slightly based on circumstance. It could be a specific type of play or even a subgroup of a certain play, such as stingy impact being a soft limit when thuddy has no limits at all. These types of limits can change over time and are usually things where people are trying them for the first time and exploring their curiosity of it. Additionally, with negotiations you’ll discuss the expectations of the play you will be taking part in. This way all parties can give clear instructions and have proper understanding of what they will expect in their dynamic. Only after you’ve negotiated and understand what you want and expect between you and your partner(s), should you begin to engage in any sort of kink practice. But when you do...

Start Slow:

Anytime you are experiencing some new aspect of kink, as said above, never jump right into it without preparation. In most cases, preparation comes from the mix of research and the little bits of experience you pick up as you learn your thresholds that may be different in practice than in theory. You might think you have a high pain tolerance, but in practice you might learn your pain tolerance varies for stingy rather than thuddy, and your negotiations might change after that experience. Always start light so you can build up and discover where your thresholds truly lie. This can also be a great way to implement pervertables into your experience so you don’t need to take the leap into buying new toys just yet! Some options you have can be simply pinning your partner's hands above their head along with a bandana used as a blindfold in order to give an illusion of more intense restraints being used. This can be the bare minimum you do prior to taking the leap into more intense restraints. Think about it this way, you can always go more intense over time, but you can’t take back a poor, or worse, a traumatic experience from trying too hard too soon.

Get Involved:

If you have interest in becoming a part of the larger kink community, look for local munches on Facebook or other events through Fetlife! These are great ways to network and meet others in the community, but don’t expect to find partners through these methods. When finding a partner, always research them as well to make sure your safety and wellbeing comes first. But as a whole, these groups can help you find local classes to hone your skills at various aspects of kink or maybe be a fun thing for both you and your partner to do together. It’s not necessary to be a part of the wider community, but it certainly has its positives!